No laughing matter

jukebox jury
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tlscapital
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Belgium
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Joined: 27 Sep 2015 14:27
Location: Brussels, Belgium

No laughing matter

Post by tlscapital » 19 Aug 2017 10:46

• A record will become slippery when wet. • Parental guidance is advised each time you buy a record whatever age you are. • Only read the label when the record is stationary. • Do not read labels whilst rotating on your turntable as it will cause nausea and you may fall off. • If records are ingested, do not induce vomiting, but mildly wipe the surface with a damp cloth until the item reappears. • Record sleeves often contain unwanted body hair and/or fluff and occasionally dead insects. • A record we consider 'Great' you may think is the worst song ever made • A good song will always be a good song be it in or out of fashion • Do not clean acetates with meths as they will melt • A common 50s-60s record in mint condition is not Stunning • An Elvis Gold HMV in mint with crisp mauve labels unfaded by light or use with gold print so bright IS Stunning and also very scary as a greasy fingermark will stain the label! • Some music may be too intense for some listeners. • Adding 'Monster Killer Floorpacker' to any record description will always increase its value threefold • Records do not get marked by pulling in & out of the sleeve unless it is dusty or gritty • Records only really get damaged if stored out of paper sleeves, in those nasty 'toast rack' holders or if stood on by a fat girl in stilettos in the 1960s • Packing a record in card then taping it in solidly, then wrapping it in bubblewrap and taping it in solidly then packing in more card or paper and taping it in solidly is a waste of time & really annoying to open as you have to carefully cut it right where the vinyl edge is and risk damaging it in your frustration at how stupidly people pack records • Early 50s UK Gold label EMI pressed records, especially the MSP, 7M etc series are very fragile and are prone to cracking at the label edge • Certain records may induce dizziness, vomiting or sudden death if played repeatedly • Views contained within all lyrics are of the responsibility of the copyright holder. • Some early 70s Pye pressed Promos contain a Stereo version, wheras the regular issue was only in Mono • A cracked vinyl record will eventually shrink (over decades) & leave a gap rendering the record unplayable • Records are made of vinyl which ages over time, resulting in mid 70s-early 80s EMI vinyl now looking cloudy & streaky even if not stored in PVC. This is due to the chemicals used in manufacture. Sniff a mid 60s Pye record & see we aren't fooling you • A record may contaminate you with harmful bacteria if handled without washing it first. • Higher grade records may be sharp on the edges. • Do not leave children alone with your records as they will wilfully damage them as you spend all your money on records instead of nice toys for them, you swine. • Do not play a wet record on your turntable at risk of death by electrocution. • My personal views of musical quality may not agree with yours. • Do not play Barry Manilow records to a Metalhead as risk of death by a severe pummelling. • Adding the word "Rare" to your item means a buyer will always pay significantly more for it as they will always believe you. • Certain pop & beat records described in days of Old as 'Northern Soul' may today better be called a Mod Dancer • Being the B side of a million selling no 1 hit does not make it a Rarity! (Beatles Rarities LP) • Some record centre adaptors have tiny nipples that will get on your tits as they poke teasingly through your picture sleeves • Ensure the music has completely ended before ripping the stylus from the grooves as a large amount of records are found with a click on the fadeout from this abuse. • A record with a glued in centre no longer has the centre intact. • If a record has an unsightly tear on it, put a nice new sticker over it • If a record has an unsightly sticker on it, peel it off and leave an unsightly dark mark there instead • Removing a sticker does not guarantee that there will not be another sticker, tear or writing under it • Record Dealers are rarely Collectors, but they used to be • Do not leave your records by a blazing fire as they will melt. • Most people who wrote their names on records never took them to parties to lose anyway • Only using 'Popsike' to value records is a dangerous game • Bill Haley invented Rock & Roll. ‘Rock The Joint’ 1952 was the first regional 'hit' • Describing an ordinary record in average grade with gushing over-excited 'xxx' bullshit (i.e VG+++) will get the bidder over-excited to the point of bladder failure and they'll pay five times as much. • A record with more than one name on, including scribbled outs, was once nicked from a party • None of my records are "Floorpackers" unless your floor is 7" square and in a Doll's House, otherwise you'll find they are too small • If UK ‘Record Collector’ magazine says our obscure £50 record is only booked at £4 then go buy one from ‘Record Collector’ instead • To safely remove a sticker you can at least peel, keep the speed of peeling constant. Stickers only tear (themselves or labels/covers) once arrogance that it's 'easy' takes over and you peel too fast • Sharon Tandy should have had a hit record • The term 'Mod Dancer has helpfully made many musically mediocre & ignored records freshly into desirable items • Buyers bypassing a Near Mint copy in hope of finding a Mint one are missing the point of collecting. • Many early 70s Rock LPs have a tear on the front cover top right from careless sticker removal • Decca Classical LPs are not as hi-fi as 'experts' claim they are • A person writing their name on a Classical LP is an optimist • A person writing their name on an EP or LP's label that also has a picture sleeve is missing the point • Do not play your records more than once daily as they will wear at a faster rate than the standard daily one-play wear rate as quoted by experts worldwide. • After years of under-pricing good 60s records, ‘Record Collector’ are now over-pricing them beyond their real worth. Cue ebay with millions of non-selling overpriced 'gems'. It happened the same with 50s singles years ago • Most Funk records are surprisingly cheap despite their rarity & belovedness • A £500 Classical LP issued in Stereo may only be worth £5 in mono • Do not store your records with sandpaper covers to protect them. • An easily removed & added Factory Sample sticker does not make a real Demo copy. • Storing records in their original sleeves after 20-60 years of use will result in noisy vinyl from the dirt & dust accumulated inside them • EMI type sleeves with polythene inners sweat and react with the vinyl leaving streaky lines that play with noise in advanced cases • Use the correct size stylus as dictated by the vinyl groove wall dimensions for ultimate sound reproduction. • Do not keep your records in a freezer as they may shatter easily and play with a cold sound. • Someone paying a huge mad price in an Auction for a record does not mean that is now the going rate for it • The Foundations 45 on Psycho is a severely overpriced mediocre soul 45 worth about £75 realistically. • All our records have been fully checked & references provided to see they are not Killers or Monsters as that would be dangerous • Wooden cases or shelves with tightly packed records will shrink & expand creating pressure on your rare vinyl, squashing the grooves • A record with no centre is worth half or less as it's no longer a true collector's item • Be sure your expensive Psych LP collection is not put against an outside wall with no clearance as the condensation will affect the covers • A record is not worth exactly what a Price Guide says it's worth • Do not keep your records in PVC sleeves or PVC lined sleeves as they will sweat & deteriorate. • Some records are deliberately released with a rubbish A side but a great B side to annoy future collectors. • Beware when using a pencil rubber to erase pencil on labels that no rubber debris gets in & stays stored in the sleeve as rubber will react badly with the vinyl within hours & leave a noisy mark! • Common or less collectable records with no centre, torn labels, stickers or writing are worthless • Your £40-paid copy of 'Crazy Baby' by the Coasters or 'Tainted Love' by Gloria Jones is extremely likely to be a bootleg • Australian records are weird sounding as they never added EQ to the final cut, leaving it sound undynamic & lifeless sometimes • The term "Rare" in ‘Coin Collecting’ (Freeman Bronze Penny 1860-1967) terms means there are 600 thousand to 1 Million in existence. On this basis, every hit record IS Rare, so ebayers ARE right after all. • Not many women collect records, though they do like the music • The made-up word 'Freakbeat' to describe a R&B Mod Dancer is now considered passé • The ultimate hi-fi Classical LPs are the Mercury late 50s UK pressings • Record values can go down as well as up. • At some time in your life, that record you once desperately wanted and paid big bucks for will have to be sold • Some Record values may not have changed in 15 years • Deep Cryogenic Treatment is just another way for the gullible to lose money on some hack idea, realigning the molecules allegedly. • Early UK 45s pre 1956 are as popular as ever on Golds & Thick Tris • Colouring the edge of a CD with a green pen improves the sound quality (oops that one was proved a hoax years ago...) • Most music released from 1970 onwards will never be collectable • Playing your 45s at 33rpm reduces groove wear and creates a hypnotic mood. • A warped record will never straighten out properly. If it plays as-is, leave it alone • Heating a warped record to straighten it never works as the record shrinks • If your Mint copy of that 45 you paid hundreds for has too many spindle marks, simply push the centre out and it'll look mint again • 45s are best stored in white card or paper sleeves, or in the thin polythene bags with the original sleeve kept separate from the vinyl • Playing your records with all your hifi turned off will make you sing the music in your head instead, keeping them in all-important Mint condition • Making Tapes & CDs or filling an iPod with rare music & giving it to a younger person for them to just enjoy the music will keep record collecting alive when you want to sell your records. Do not tell them how old the music is until later, years later • Consult an expert before buying any record as they will always know more than you as they are your Guru. • Selling your Record Collection after putting all the songs you like on CD will remove the responsibilty of looking after biodegradable records & covers • Store your records upright in an airtight container to preserve freshness. • A high grade styrene USA 45 will always sound better than the vinyl pressing • Styrene records, especially soul ones, can be hissy on the intro from a DJ back-cueing the record unaware his stylus scrapes & hisses the grooves on going backwards. Back-cueing 50s-60s styrene is a big risk • Most collectors store their 45s in boxes rarely looking at them, let alone playing them • The idea of taking the record out of it's cover & whizzing it round in the open air and having a hard bit of stone on a stick bash the groove walls is the last thing on many buyer's minds today • If you are a Record Buyer, at some time in the last year you will have found a Record Centre adaptor blocking up the vacuum cleaner • A record is often worthless & unwanted until the day after you finally managed to sell yours for a fiver • An 'expert' in a subject can be easily proved wrong by others who do not bother their ego by claiming to be an expert. • A obscure record you have heard & seen making big money before will suddenly become worthless & unwanted the day you decide to sell your copy • Will the fool who paid £660 for Hipster Image 45 in mint in Dec 09 ever get his money back on reselling it? • A record is only worth as much as it will sell for and may sell the next time for ten times what you paid or ten times less. •

Hugues TR4
long player
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Re: No laughing matter

Post by Hugues TR4 » 21 Aug 2017 16:22

Personally, I only buy a record if it makes nice souvenirs rise back up to the surface.
Of course, I like them better mint or near, but most of the souvenirs already involved a little hiss and crack background noise anyway, so I do not really mind.
My modest 45 collection amounts to only about 1200 records, but I took the time to wash them all one by one in my Knosti and to list them all on Excel.
I play some of them from time to time on my RCA RP 190 7" changer bought in the States through flea-bay and restored to new condition a few years ago. Reminds me of the 50/60ies juke boxes and the parties held in my teenager's bedroom in the late 50ies.
They also come favourites when making a compilation on cassette (yes, I've still got cassette recorders and player to have period music in my classic car when we drive to France for holidays). They are easier for making non-stop faded recordings.
Well, "les souvenirs sont faits de ça"! (French version of "Memories are made of this").
Cheers,

Hugh.

tlscapital
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long player
Belgium
Posts: 2058
Joined: 27 Sep 2015 14:27
Location: Brussels, Belgium

Re: No laughing matter

Post by tlscapital » 21 Aug 2017 21:06

Mais c'est de l'humour Hugues ! :wink: (translation; but it's humor Hugues !)

It was passed on to my in an e-mail and I thought this could maybe put a smile rictus on somebody's face who's into the original pressing record addiction. With all it's awkwardness and insanity that one find within every "sect", it's essential to de-sacralyse it's foundations in order not to fall into it.

Hugues TR4
long player
long player
Belgium
Posts: 1230
Joined: 21 Apr 2009 10:33
Location: Belgium

Re: No laughing matter

Post by Hugues TR4 » 22 Aug 2017 08:23

Of course it was "de l'humour" and I had understood it that way.
Although, some of the remarks contained in your mail sound very real and accurate, even taken seriously...
And I fully agree with you regarding this over exageration some people seem to reach when showing off about their hobby, which by the way looks more like an addiction!
Hope you have the same weather in Brussels today!

Cheers,

Hugh.

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