Joke

anything and nothing
vinyl master
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Re: Joke

Post by vinyl master » 08 Jun 2019 05:14

Did you know that Neil Diamond used to be known as Neil Coal...That is, until the pressure got to him! :lol:

vinyl master
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Re: Joke

Post by vinyl master » 08 Jun 2019 05:18

The other day I saw an old radio for sale...It was $1.00 but the volume was stuck on high...You know me...I couldn't turn it down! :wink:

vinyl master
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Re: Joke

Post by vinyl master » 08 Jun 2019 05:32

Did you hear about the ham radio buff who telegraphed his wife to say he was sorry he broke up their marriage? He sent the message using Remorse Code...

vinyl master
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Re: Joke

Post by vinyl master » 08 Jun 2019 05:54

Did you hear about the kid who learned the English language from a broken, skipping record? Problem is...He kept repeating the same word over and over!

vinyl master
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Re: Joke

Post by vinyl master » 08 Jun 2019 05:59

Did you hear about the bad singer who threw out the game ball at the baseball stadium on Opening Day?

Yeah, I know...His pitch wasn't perfect! :(

vinyl master
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Re: Joke

Post by vinyl master » 08 Jun 2019 06:11

Did you hear about the band that calls themselves The 999 Megabytes? Problem is, they haven't got a gig yet!

vinyl master
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Re: Joke

Post by vinyl master » 08 Jun 2019 06:13

The other day I bought a GPS device that features the voice of Bonnie Tyler...It keeps telling me to turn around and every now and then, it falls apart!

vinyl master
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Re: Joke

Post by vinyl master » 08 Jun 2019 06:18

Why did Bono fall off the stage? He was too close to The Edge... 8-[

vinyl master
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Re: Joke

Post by vinyl master » 08 Jun 2019 08:50

Here's one for you classical lovers...

One of the local symphony orchestras in England was performing “Beethoven’s Ninth”. In the long piece, there's a 20-minute section where the bass violinists don't do anything...So, a couple of them, instead of just sitting around bored, decide to sneak off to the pub next door to have a few pints...After guzzling down a few beers, one of the bassists says, "Shouldn't we be going back?" "Nah!", says the other. "We're good! I tied the last few pages of the conductor's score with string, just in case we needed the extra time...By the time he gets it untangled, we'll be back in our seats"...So they drink another beer and stagger back into the orchestra hall and quietly sit down...An astute audience member who notices this also notes that the conductor is getting more stressed out and frustrated by the minute..."Of course he is!", says her husband..."Don't you see?"

"It’s the bottom of the Ninth,
The score is tied,
AND the bassists are loaded!" :wink:

rewfew
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Re: Joke

Post by rewfew » 08 Jun 2019 15:05

I don't think there's anyone that could deliver self depreciation better than Rodney Dangerfield. Boy he had a rough childhood, really rough. "When I played in the sandbox the cat kept covering me up." "I could tell my parents hated me. My bath toys were a toaster and a radio."

https://www.beer100.com/rodney-dangerfield/

DarthMaul
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Re: Joke

Post by DarthMaul » 08 Jun 2019 18:34

The IRS decides to audit Ralph, and summons him to the IRS office.

The IRS auditor is not surprised when Ralph shows up with his attorney. The auditor says, “Well, sir, you have an extravagant lifestyle and no full-time employment, which you explain by saying that you win money gambling. I’m not sure the IRS finds that believable.”

I’m a great gambler, and I can prove it,” says Ralph. “How about a demonstration?”

The auditor thinks for a moment and said, “Okay. Go ahead.”

Ralph says, “I’ll bet you a thousand dollars that I can bite my own eye.”

The auditor thinks a moment and says, “No way! It’s a bet.”

Ralph removes his glass eye and bites it. The auditor’s jaw drops.

Ralph says, “Now, I’ll bet you two thousand dollars that I can bite my other eye.”

The auditor can tell Ralph isn’t blind, so he takes the bet.

Ralph removes his dentures and bites his good eye.

The stunned auditor now realizes he has wagered and lost three grand, with Ralph’s attorney as a witness. He starts to get nervous.

“Want to go double or nothing?” Ralph asks. “I’ll bet you six thousand dollars that I can stand on one side of your desk and pee into that wastebasket on the other side and not get a drop anywhere in between.”

The auditor, twice burned, is cautious now, but he looks carefully and decides there’s no way this guy can manage that stunt, so he agrees again.

Ralph stands beside the desk and unzips his pants. Although he strains mightily, he can’t make the stream reach the wastebasket on other side, so he gets urine all over the desk.

The auditor leaps with joy, realizing that he has just turned a major loss into a huge win. But Ralph’s attorney moans and puts his head in his hands.

“Are you okay?” the auditor asks.

“Not really,” says the attorney. “This morning, when Ralph told me he’d been summoned for an audit, he bet me twenty thousand dollars that he could come in here and pee all over an IRS official’s desk and that you’d be happy about it.”

andybeau
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Re: Joke

Post by andybeau » 08 Jun 2019 18:45

=D> :lol:

DarthMaul
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Re: Joke

Post by DarthMaul » 09 Jun 2019 00:07

DarthMaul wrote:
08 Jun 2019 00:31
You know what’s really odd?

Numbers that aren’t divisible by two.
Has anyone noticed that this one was an anti-joke?

circularvibes
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Re: Joke

Post by circularvibes » 09 Jun 2019 23:14

I recently read a study that said humans eat more bananas than monkeys.

I can not remember the last time I ate a monkey...

DarthMaul
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Re: Joke

Post by DarthMaul » 09 Jun 2019 23:38

circularvibes wrote:
09 Jun 2019 23:14
I recently read a study that said humans eat more bananas than monkeys.

I can not remember the last time I ate a monkey...
circularvibes,

You told that joke already, on May 05, 2019.