Joke

anything and nothing
DarthMaul
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Joke

Post by DarthMaul » 05 May 2019 21:26

One cutting edge aquarium saved a lot of money when its owner discovered a means to make the dolphins live forever -- since the dolphins never died, no money needed to be spent on buying new ones. Extending the dolphins' lives required putting a special mixture into their food; one of the ingredients was baby sea gull meat. So one day, one of the workers was sent to the beach to find some. On the way back, baby sea gulls in hand, he had to pass through a forest. In the middle of the path was a sleeping lion. He very carefully stepped over it, only to be handcuffed by a policeman.

"Officer," he said, "what's going on?"

"You're under arrest," said the policeman.

"But why?" he asked.

The policeman replied, "For transporting young gulls across sedate lions for immortal porpoises."

circularvibes
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Re: Joke

Post by circularvibes » 05 May 2019 21:49

I recently read a study that revealed that humans eat more bananas than monkeys.

I can't remember the last time I ate a monkey...

lenjack
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Re: Joke

Post by lenjack » 06 May 2019 18:59

I remember Bo Diddley.

DL110luvr
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Re: Joke

Post by DL110luvr » 07 May 2019 09:05

lenjack wrote:
06 May 2019 18:59
I remember Bo Diddley.
Years ago, there was an ad on the back cover of Billboard magazine...with his picture....and this caption:

"If you think Rock 'n' Roll began with Elvis......
You don't know Diddley!" :)

lenjack
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Re: Joke

Post by lenjack » 07 May 2019 15:28

2 cannibals are having dinner. One says "I don't like my mother in law". The other replies "Just eat the vegetables".

circularvibes
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Re: Joke

Post by circularvibes » 07 May 2019 16:12

^ +1 I am laughing about that one as MY mother in law would be tough and stringy and not very filling as she is Chinese food!

fscl
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Re: Joke

Post by fscl » 08 May 2019 17:05

circularvibes wrote:
07 May 2019 16:12
^ +1 I am laughing about that one as MY mother in law would be tough and stringy and not very filling as she is Chinese food!
Hi fiber is good for you...... :-k :lol: :lol:

Fred

DarthMaul
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Re: Joke

Post by DarthMaul » 22 May 2019 02:33

Why are elephants big, wrinkled, grey, and hairy?
Because if they were small, smooth, white, and hairless, they'd be aspirin tablets!

lenjack
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Re: Joke

Post by lenjack » 22 May 2019 02:36

C minus, and that's being generous. :roll: #-o

DarthMaul
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Re: Joke

Post by DarthMaul » 23 May 2019 13:57

What did the baby porcupine say when he backed up into the cactus?
“Is that you Mom?”

vinyl master
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Re: Joke

Post by vinyl master » 23 May 2019 16:13

I have a co-worker who used to be in the Navy...He told me this one recently that he'd heard in his younger days...

"A marine general, an army general and an navy admiral were discussing who has the toughest men one day.

The army general goes, "Alright, I'll prove the army's got the toughest men in the country. Private, get over here!"

The private reports as ordered -"Yes sir?"

The general goes, "See that man over there? Kill him!"

Without hesitating, the private kills the man.

The general goes "See? That man has balls!"

The marine general goes, "That's nothing! Private get over here!"

The marine private reports, "Yes sir?"

The general goes, "See that man over there? Kill him and then yourself!"

Without blinking the marine private pulls out his M-16 and blows away the guy, then turns the rifle on himself and unloads several rounds.

The marine general goes, "See? Now that man has balls!"

The admiral says, "That's nothing." He calls to a seaman high up on a tower, "Hey seaman! Jump off that tower!"

The seaman goes, "Excuse me sir?"

The admiral repeats, "JUMP OFF THAT TOWER!"

The seaman replies, "F#$% you sir!"

The admiral goes, "See? That man has balls and he's got brains too!"

And the moral of the story is...Not all orders are good ones and it takes a man with a lot of courage to defy authority...

circularvibes
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Re: Joke

Post by circularvibes » 23 May 2019 18:34

A Catholic priest, a Protesteant minister and a Wiccan priestess are going to have a picnic lunch on the river.

The protestant minister takes out the sandwiches and shares them.

The Catholic priest says "Oops, I forgot to get the wine" and gets out of the boat and walks on the water to get the wine and returns.

The Wiccan priestess says "Oh my, I forgot to bring the cheeses." and walks on the water to get it from shore.

The Protestant minister is absolutely dumbfounded by the others walking on water, but keeps it to himself.

The Catholic Priest seeing the Protestants discomfort turns the the Wiccan Priestess and asks "Should we tell him about the rocks?"

The Wiccan priestess' reply was "What rocks?"

DarthMaul
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Re: Joke

Post by DarthMaul » 23 May 2019 23:16

Why was the elephant standing on the marshmallow?
Because he didn't want to fall in the hot chocolate.

ChrisfromRI
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Re: Joke

Post by ChrisfromRI » 29 May 2019 05:32

What's an example of a "mixed emotion"?

Your Mother In-Law driving off a cliff, in your new Corvette.

Alec124c41
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Re: Joke

Post by Alec124c41 » 29 May 2019 14:25

My favourite "mixed emotions" story came from the news, about 40 years ago.
A man flying in from the far east was held by customs at Washington's international airport, when 20 pounds of a suspicious substance resembling hashish, was found in the lining of his luggage. After several hours, he was released. There was no law banning the importation of camel dung.

Cheers,
Alec

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